It's in my weakness that You are strong.

I've been struggling a lot lately...that's why I just haven't bothered updating this.
I have missed over 73 classes and can barely bring myself to get out of bed some days.
I don't want this anymore. I am sick of letting this issues that I have allowed back into my life control me. I am worth more than I think I am.
Just because I struggle doesn't mean that I am a failure. What it does mean though, is that I can't do it on my own. I need help. I can't isolate myself anymore.
So I am reaching out.
I am reaching out in my community and using the resources that I have available to me. I have made so many new friends online as a result of this. Like-minded friends who have the same goal as me. Recovery. Freedom.
I don't want to dwell on the past any longer, but I don't want to spend all my time dreaming about the future either. Those are both ways that I escape from the reality of the present. I need to take things one step at a time.

It's funny how I say these things, but I am so scared of acting on them. So scared of the change that it will bring.

There is a part of me that is screaming that I am not "sick enough" or I am not "bad enough" to deserve help. There are plenty of girls much more worse off than me. It doesn't matter that I have been struggling with these things for the past six, almost seven years, or that if I don't get help, I will just continue in these destructive patterns and never walk in the freedom that God created me for.
I don't know who I am without these things. I thought I did...but alas, I do not. I can't give up the control. I need it. I crave it. Without it, I am nothing.

It's the truth. I am nothing. I am NOTHING!
I am nothing on my own, but with God I am more than a conqueror. I am victorious when I am walking with God.
It's when I turn away from him and venture off to do it on my own that I fall, and that my pride comes back into play. My competitive and perfectionist nature comes crawling back in.

My doctor keeps talking about making me go IP. I can't go IP. I just can't. I have been considering applying to Mercy...but I don't think that I am bad enough to go there. It's just so messed up.

I need to admit that I can't do it on my own. I need to admit that I am weak. I am not strong. I need help.

Oh God, I need your help.

Rise Above This

Well, basically...life can be so messed up sometimes.
I make bad decisions that wind up getting me involved
with people who really want to help me, but just can't.
I wish that I had never started doing any of this in the
first place.
I would never have picked it up and pressed down.
I never would have stopped doing something so essential
for life.
Some days, I am so ashamed of who I have turned into
again.
I thought I was free...but apparently not.
Now it leaves me with this meeting on Monday that I
am so scared of.
I am comfortable where I am right now.
I shouldn't be, but I am.
I surrender it all to God, but then I take it back.
I can't control it.
I am out of control.
I need help.
That is what they are going to do.
Help me.

Why am I so scared of getting better once and for all?

What must we do to restore our innocence?

Hey Y'all!
It's been a while since I posted a new blog.

Have you ever had something that you know you need to give up, but are to stubborn to do anything about it? Something that could essentially take over your life and consume you and leave you defeated?
Well, thats basically where I am at right now. There is something that I have been struggling with for...I guess its 6 years now. I thought I was free from it, but I allowed the enemy to get a stronghold in my life again in that area.
I am trying not to get discouraged, but right now, I can't help but wonder if I will ever be truly free. Were all my efforts in vain?
I know what I need to do in order to be free, and I have taken those steps in the past, but it always seems to keep coming back. I feel like a failure.
If anyone in real life finds out, I could get into some major trouble. I don't think that my parent's marriage can survive something like this again. I don't want them to have another thing to blame on me. They already blame me for getting married in the first place. I don't know them to blame me for the demise of their marriage as well.
I just want them to stop looking for a scapegoat and take the responsibility upon themselves. Its NOT my fault. It's really not. I need to stop living like it is. I need to take a stand.


Kayleigh baby, I miss you so much. I am sorry.

Kayleigh means Who is like God? and Renee means Reborn. That is the name I chose for you precious little girl. I love you.

Shopping: Love vs. Hate

I LOVE shopping!
Its so great...mainly because well...its fun to have other people buy you stuff.
Let's get something straight. I don't always love shopping. I generally don't love to go spend 5 hours in a crowded mall by myself at Christmas time. But if I am going to look for something that I genuinely need then its fun to go and find the best deals....and maybe get something from Second Cup and Cinnabon too.
My aunt took me shopping yesterday. She wanted to buy me a belated birthday gift. I never knew this about her before, but she rarely buys clothes that cost less than $35. I found a really cute sweater that was $19.95 but she refused to buy it and told me to find one that was more expensive. So I found one that was $40 so it was too expensive but it was still expensive enough for her to buy. lol...and then she saw this really cute polo shirt and she insisted on buying that for me as well.
Needless to say, I like shopping with her. But I hate that I kinda feel like she spent too much money on me.

Alexis, why do you do this?
You wanted to go to Westmount because it gave you the freedom to work at your own pace, yet you don't bother doing the work? It makes no sense. Keep this commitment that you made to yourself, please? Stop procrastinating and just get down to work. You are falling behind and you can't afford to fall behind.
I know you hate biology, but you need the credit in order to graduate. The more work you do in that class, the sooner you will be out of there. Think of it that way. It might help.
Attending class might help too. If you actually went to school, you would know what to do and how to stay on track. If you did this, it would be very helpful for everyone involved.
Please keep this in mind.
Sincerely,
Your other, more sane half

Welll.....apparently I am back home.
I have no idea how long this will last.
Its Thanksgiving here in Canadia this weekend!
Thus...I will list the things that I am thankful for. :)

Salvation
Family
Friends
A home (albeit a drama filled one)
My precious Lilly the Laptop
Life
My pets
among other things....which I will not list right now...because that would take a bazillion years.

God Bless everyone and thank God for something today!

stress..

So, I am not living at home anymore...at least for a while.
There are some issues with our boarder and my parents...and my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to get out for a while.
So I am out.
Right now I am at my friend Evie's house.
I can only stay til tomorrow though...then i have to find another place to go.
Hurray?
Yeah...my family could use some definite prayer...