It's in my weakness that You are strong.

I've been struggling a lot lately...that's why I just haven't bothered updating this.
I have missed over 73 classes and can barely bring myself to get out of bed some days.
I don't want this anymore. I am sick of letting this issues that I have allowed back into my life control me. I am worth more than I think I am.
Just because I struggle doesn't mean that I am a failure. What it does mean though, is that I can't do it on my own. I need help. I can't isolate myself anymore.
So I am reaching out.
I am reaching out in my community and using the resources that I have available to me. I have made so many new friends online as a result of this. Like-minded friends who have the same goal as me. Recovery. Freedom.
I don't want to dwell on the past any longer, but I don't want to spend all my time dreaming about the future either. Those are both ways that I escape from the reality of the present. I need to take things one step at a time.

It's funny how I say these things, but I am so scared of acting on them. So scared of the change that it will bring.

There is a part of me that is screaming that I am not "sick enough" or I am not "bad enough" to deserve help. There are plenty of girls much more worse off than me. It doesn't matter that I have been struggling with these things for the past six, almost seven years, or that if I don't get help, I will just continue in these destructive patterns and never walk in the freedom that God created me for.
I don't know who I am without these things. I thought I did...but alas, I do not. I can't give up the control. I need it. I crave it. Without it, I am nothing.

It's the truth. I am nothing. I am NOTHING!
I am nothing on my own, but with God I am more than a conqueror. I am victorious when I am walking with God.
It's when I turn away from him and venture off to do it on my own that I fall, and that my pride comes back into play. My competitive and perfectionist nature comes crawling back in.

My doctor keeps talking about making me go IP. I can't go IP. I just can't. I have been considering applying to Mercy...but I don't think that I am bad enough to go there. It's just so messed up.

I need to admit that I can't do it on my own. I need to admit that I am weak. I am not strong. I need help.

Oh God, I need your help.